I have not been to yoga in months. I’ve only gone running approximately six times in the past three months. I have not finished a book since… well, I have no idea. I have written from time to time, but certainly not enough. I’ve gone to museums, exhibits, shows, theatre, etc…but I never do that as much as I’d like, either. WHAT DO I DO?! I work. Nearly every minute is dedicated towards trying to figure out how to pay my rent, my phone bill, ConEd, Capital One, Credit One, the IRS, NYU Med Center, and maybe helping out that homeless person who so often loiters in front of my building. I’m sick of it. I want enough money to be comfortable (and OK, so my idea of “comfortable” might be a tad exorbitant), but I don’t want to have to THINK about it. I want to be able to “om” away my anxieties in peace, without that nagging voice in the back of my head chastising me for not showing an apartment at that very moment. I definitely don’t think I can do this job much longer. And I’m not blaming the job— it’s fine, but I just don’t think I have it in me to work with no guaranteed results. And yes, it has, thus far, always worked out. I have always managed to make rent, pay my bills, and still drink my wine and eat my food, but there’s always that fear that IT JUST WON’T.
I had an interesting conversation with my mother last night. We were, as we have a lot recently, talking about career change and the evolution it creates in oneself. She said something that I was initially a touch offended by, but then I came to understand it. In regard to my impending enrollment in law school, I said that it would be very nice to be back in school— to have a solid commitment for three years, and then (hopefully), a solid career that I will love and stick with. She said “It will be nice for you to actually stick with a job.” I was offended because I’ve always had a pretty strong work ethic. But then I remembered how many bar/restaurant/promo jobs I’ve quit, and I saw her point. But those are different. I HATE those jobs. They make me severely depressed and occasionally hostile, and are overall not good for me. Call me a romantic, but I don’t think that I (or ANYONE, for that matter) should have to do anything that they don’t like, let alone HATE. But I HAD to do those jobs to survive in the acting world, so I did them. But unfortunately, at some point, my distaste for them muddled and disillusioned me toward the idea of “being an actor” to the extent that I had to quit it all. I think this is why real estate offices are filled with so many (former) actors; we do love our art, but we’re not willing to hate the rest of our lives in order to partake in it. Real estate provides the flexibility that we’ve grown accustomed to, and the high of closing a deal, of course, mimics the high of booking a gig. I also don’t think that I’m really a performer. I think that I’m an overachiever/adrenaline junkie who has a slight love for the dramatic ups-and-downs. I also love pretending to be other people, to have a taste of what it’s like to be someone else, but the taste is never enough— never feels 100% wonderful, and thus, is continuously disappointing. No, I realized that I don’t want to PLAY other people, but rather, I want to BE other people. Meaning, I want to try as much as I can (for real, not on stage or in front of the camera), and keep what works and toss away what doesn’t.
My initial fear with going to law school (aside from the LSAT..eek) was that I would get halfway through it and realize that I didn’t want to be a lawyer. I still have a bit of that fear, but even if that does happen, I’m committing to at least finishing it out and obtaining my JD. Worst comes to worst, I end up well educated and with a pretty solid degree. Let’s be real— it’ll inevitably serve me better than my theatre and philosophy degrees! And should I actually hate it and not want to practice, well, then I guess I’ll just try something else. But, I am absolutely positive that there is no way in the world that I could hate it more than bartending/promoing, and look at how long I did that!
When I first decided that I needed a break from acting (or perhaps even a permanent change…I’m not yet sure), I debated on what my next move would be. I have a lot of interests. It eventually came down to either becoming certified to teach yoga, or to go to real estate school. I ultimately chose real estate because it was a relatively quick fix, something I’d always kinda thought I wanted to do, and I figured it would be more lucrative than teaching yoga. Also, while I’m all about the yoga, I’ve never been much of a “teacher” and thought that I would probably get kinda bored with that kinda quick. I definitely think I made the right decision, but I also always knew that this was a bridge job…that I needed things to change quickly, and then, after a while, I’d see where I ended up. I love to write. I love to think. I love to try to fix things/make them right. And I do tend to love stressful, yet rewarding jobs…law school seems right.
So, while initially a bit offended at the comment, I realize it was not a slight at me. Just that it really is time that I find, and commit, to something more permanent…something that I (think) I’m going to love. I’m throwing pencils at the ceiling and hoping that maybe, just maybe, this one will stick.
